Buenos Aires was supposed to be a strong finish to my Sportslink International tour of South America. After weeks moving through Santiago, Córdoba, and Montevideo, this was meant to be the place for steaks and tango, long nights, and wandering the streets. Instead, it became a blur of sickness, room service, and Netflix in bed while my body staged a full-blown rebellion.
The first twinge of something viral hit on our travel day from Montevideo. I didn’t have the usual pep in my step as I strolled through the historic centre of Colonia, our stopover before crossing the mighty Río de la Plata. Officially Colonia del Sacramento, this southwestern Uruguayan city was founded by the Portuguese in 1680. Wandering its charming, tree-lined, cobbled streets, I knew something wasn’t right as I had no motivation to browse the shops full of lovely wool garments and knick-knacks.
We arrived at The Savoy Hotel, Buenos Aires, on the night of August 20th. Apart from a walk across the road to the pharmacy to stock up on everything they’d sell me, I didn’t leave the room again until the 23rd. The intervening days were filled with fever, endless sleep, and, during the rare awake moments, a marathon of Is This Cake on Netflix. I can report that The Savoy’s rooms are very comfortable when you’re ill.
Convinced I was no longer contagious, I hauled myself out of bed on August 23rd for the All Blacks vs. Los Pumas match. Our pre-match day started with lunch at San Albano, a sports club on the outskirts of the city. While it hosts hockey, tennis, and even cricket (a surprise), it’s mostly known for rugby. Set on expansive park-like grounds, it boasts a lovely clubhouse with a bar and restaurant where we had lunch. I wasn’t up for alcohol, so I sipped the red wine provided out of politeness while nibbling the sausages placed before us. We thought that was lunch, but no, an enormous steak with fries followed, and then dessert, which I can barely recall thanks to a monumental food coma.
After lunch, we drove to the stadium and eventually settled into our “seats”, a generous term, as they were uncomfortable, narrow and were squeezed together, with thin aisles for vendors to dash up and down, heedless of anyone they bumped on their way. The rugby didn’t go our way, but the spectacle was brilliant: marching bands, lots of singing (mostly taking digs at the English, which we’d have missed without our guide, and hey, we aren’t English…), and ecstatic home fans celebrating their first victory over the All Blacks in Buenos Aires.
The next day, the group headed to the Tigre Delta. My stomach, possibly still recovering from mega doses of vitamin C, begged to stay behind. By lunchtime, I felt well enough for a walk. Buenos Aires, known as the “Paris of South America” for its architecture, wide boulevards, lush parks, and café culture, has one thing Paris doesn’t: tango. On a sunny winter Sunday, I stumbled across dancers performing for fun, promotion, or busking. I meandered to San Telmo Market, browsing without buying anything, then decided to keep going to La Boca, which the group had visited while I hovered between life and death.
I vaguely remembered my husband warning me that La Boca was “a bit dodgy” and something about football, but after 24 years of marriage, not every word sticks. Google now confirms: La Boca is generally unsafe, though Caminito, the main tourist area, is relatively safe during the day, thanks to crowds. Petty crime and scams are common; avoid straying from Caminito, especially after dark, and use rideshares and don’t walk in from another area.
Walking in from another area, I focused on the bright blue and yellow stadium that seemed to guide me. The scent of asado, Argentinian barbecue, wafted from street-side grills, mingling with crowds of people milling about. Soon, police on motorbikes appeared, steel barriers were moved across side streets, and football fans in matching blue and yellow began to emerge. I started to feel nervous, did a quick “fit check” to see if I’d inadvertently picked the opposition’s colours, and plugged Caminito into Google Maps, trying to look as harmless as possible while navigating closed-off streets away from the stadium.
Caminito is a visual feast: brightly painted houses, performers, and street artists everywhere. I wandered, taking it all in while keeping a wary eye on my belongings. Exhausted from both walking and hyper-vigilance, I finally called an Uber back to the sanctuary of The Savoy for our group’s final night dinner. Did I get the best out of the city? No. Am I glad it gives me a reason to return? Absolutely.
The end.
Did you know I also write romantic comedy travel fiction? You can grab a free novella, A Brief Tale, to give it a try: Click HERE
A BRIEF TALE
Lost underwear. A locked bus compartment. And a hangover that could kill an elephant. Just another day managing tours through Europe’s most romantic destinations.
Waking up at the magnificent Château Vin Rouge with a killer hangover is just the beginning of Sharon ‘Shaz’ Green’s problems. As she pieces together the events of last night – including her embarrassing bar-top dance performance – this quick-witted Kiwi tour manager discovers she’s caught the eye of the devastatingly handsome Roger. Between managing her rowdy tour group and fighting off the effects of French wine, Shaz finds herself drawn into a passionate encounter in the most unlikely of places. But when morning comes, she realises that what happens on tour doesn’t always lead to happily ever after. If she can’t keep her heart in check, this summer romance might cost her more than just her dignity.
It’s been a little while since my last release, but I’m thrilled to finally share what I’ve been working on behind the scenes. This new series has been bubbling away in my brain for years, and I can’t wait to take you along for the ride.
Once upon a time, before Google Maps and Wi-Fi passwords, there were the map book and the trusty clipboard. And the person clutching them, usually juggling passports, counting heads, salving a hangover and coaxing everyone back onto the right bus.
That person was me.
In the 1990s, I worked as a tour rep and then a tour manager across Europe, guiding young travellers who were equal parts wide-eyed, weary, and wonderful. Those years were full of laughter, long days, too many shots of sambuca, dancing on tables, unexpected detours, and friendships that lingered long after the coach pulled away.
I’m thrilled to announce the Terrific Tours series, which grew out of those unforgettable experiences, the chaos, the camaraderie, and the pure magic of travel. You might remember my earlier What Goes On Tour books, where the fun first began. Now, we’re back on the road with a sparkling new spin-off series that brings the same heart, humour, and romance, this time with fresh stories, new destinations, and a few familiar faces.
Each Terrific Tours book is a standalone romantic comedy set in a gorgeous European location, where love, laughter, and second chances are always on the itinerary. Perfect for fans of Emily Henry, Sophie Kinsella, and Christina Lauren, these uplifting travel romances celebrate finding yourself—and your heart—far from home.
These stories are love letters to travel, to the people you meet along the way, and to the beautiful, unpredictable journey that is life itself, and as subscribers, you’re getting the news first!
And, they’re almost here.
Our first stop is the Beaujolais region of France, for a heartfelt, fish-out-of-water coming-of-age story. Next, we head to the sun-soaked Amalfi Coast for a deliciously twisty mafia romance. And finally, we arrive on the glittering French Riviera, where love hits all the right notes in a rock star romance. Together, these stories deliver the signature blend of laughter, longing, and romantic-comedy chaos that defines the Terrific Tours world.
Preorders are open now at a special price for a limited time.
If you’ve ever dreamed of escaping somewhere new, falling in love, or rediscovering your spark, I hope you’ll join me on this adventure.
Most places go with the classic four seasons. Hội An keeps it simple: wet and dry. Both are hot — one just comes with a side of monsoon. The dry season stretches from February to July, with June and July turning the heat all the way up. It’s a fantastic time to visit, but seriously, buy a fan first. Trust me, you’ll want it more than a souvenir.
This trip to Vietnam was less about sightseeing and more about writing. I arrived with ten novellas plotted and one half-written. I’m pleased to say I’m leaving with three fully drafted and number four well underway. But more on that later.
Before leaving home, I’d booked two weeks’ accommodation at Zest Villas and Spa Resort, with three more weeks to fill after that. It didn’t take long into my stay to decide I’d stay the full month at Zest. While they have a website the easiest way to book is via booking.com
The setup is perfect for me. It’s tucked away in a quiet village surrounded by rice fields, but just a 10-minute ride in their free shuttle to Hội An Ancient Town or An Bang Beach (or about $5 NZ in a Grab). There’s a range of room options depending on your budget. I chose one of their most basic rooms (around $75 NZ per night including breakfast), and it was spacious, well-designed, and came with a lovely big bath.
If you’re happy to spend a bit more, you can book a corner room with three balconies and a small kitchen. Or, if you don’t mind having less space, there are charming boat cabin rooms available too.
There’s a gorgeous pool beside the outdoor bar and dining area, with large sun loungers and day beds, ideal for writing, reading, or lounging with a cold, delicious coconut coffee (which quickly became my daily ritual).
Free bikes are available, and there are plenty of places to eat and drink within an easy 20-minute flat ride. The staff are friendly and helpful, the breakfast has plenty of variety, and it’s within the pickup zone for most local tours if you decide to explore further.
Some admin to consider before you leave home.
Grab: Download and set up the Grab app before you leave home, especially if you are planning on using an e-sim while travelling. You need to receive a text to verify setup, which won’t come through unless you are roaming.
E-sims: I used Airalo, which has a number of day and data options. If you use code GILLIA6987 you will receive $3US credit off your first purchase.
Wise Card: Now that I’ve used Wise I wouldn’t use another card for travelling. Super easy to pay money onto it and transfer within the card to various countries. Can be used at ATMS to withdraw and to pay at anywhere that you can pay with a card. The really cool thing about it is that you can order a digital card (which is free). I set up my physical Wise card to only be able to be used for physical transactions (ATM’s etc…). The digital card I have loaded against things like Grab or if I make online purchases. That way if my physical card gets skimmed, theoretically it should be able to be used by anyone to do online shopping. I’m not sure if it’s a foolproof system, but it’s worked for me so far. Use this link to get your Wise card for free https://wise.com/invite/ihpc/gillianlindsays1
NB: I’m not affiliated with any of my travel recommendations, but I do get a small credit from both Airalo and Wise if you choose to use the codes.
Some restaurants near Zest to check out:
Buffalo Home – Located at the end of Zest’s short driveway, Buffalo Home is run by a friendly local with great English. The menu is solid, the service is quick, the food is tasty, and it’s cheaper than eating at the resort. Bonus: they also do laundry if you’re looking to get dinner and clean clothes in one go.
Lantern Restaurant – Just a short walk or bike ride to the corner, Lantern Restaurant sits beneath the home of chef Thanh. The menu is varied, the food is delicious and reasonably priced, and if you’re keen to learn some local recipes, chef Thanh also runs cooking classes: https://lanternrestaurantandcookingclass.com/
Tok Restaurant – A slightly longer walk or ride, Tok leans a bit bougie. The menu is small but everything is delicious, and they have a good wine selection. The restaurant overlooks a scenic rice paddy and is close to a local pagoda, where you can hear the monks chanting every evening at 7pm.
The Roving Chill House – About a 20-minute bike ride (or Grab ride) away, this place is all about relaxing. Low tables and comfy chairs face the open countryside, perfect for an unhurried coffee. I only stopped in for a drink, but it was well worth the trip.
Chillax – I didn’t make it here myself, but it’s just near The Roving Chill House and looks great if you’re in the area: https://www.chillax-eatery.com/
If you’re dining in Hội An there are lots of options. I’d recommend at least one dinner on the top floor of the Morning Glory Signature restaurant. Book to make sure you get a table around 6pm to watch the sun set and the river light up.
Why buy a fan? Firstly, in the immortal words of Robin Williams: “It’s hot. Damn hot! Real hot!” Having some moving air on your face, or anywhere else you care to fan, is a welcome relief. Carry it with you at all times. It doubles as an impromptu sunshade and even as a handy safety device for crossing the road.
Speaking of which, crossing the road in Vietnam takes some getting used to. Once you’ve mastered it, you’ll find yourself back home wondering why you can’t just step into traffic and have it flow around you. In Vietnam, pedestrian crossings mean nothing. Green walking man lights? Also meaningless. While you definitely shouldn’t walk straight into a stream of speeding motorbikes, if you wait for the traffic to stop, you’ll be waiting forever.
The trick is to move slowly and steadily at a predictable pace. The traffic will part around you like magic. Holding up your fan during the day, or the torch on your phone at night, makes you more visible. And don’t be alarmed by all the beeping. In Vietnam, beeps aren’t angry. They’re just a polite heads-up: “Hey, I’m here.” You can buy fans all over Hội An, expect to pay 20-40000 Dong (less than $2.50 NZ)
Excursions
There are loads of great trips you can do in and around Hội An. Here are a few I chose, along with my thoughts:
TigerFish Divers
I did a snorkelling tour with TigerFish Divers, though they also offer diving (just bring proof of your PADI). The trip is a full day, starting with an 8 am pick-up. After transferring to the boat, we headed out to the Cham Islands. TigerFish runs what might be the only dual-hull boat on these tours, making it more stable and easier to get on and off than the usual single-hull options.
The boat is well set up, with water, coffee, tea, and fruit provided, plus a change room and a toilet. They supply all gear, including a wetsuit for snorkellers. While the sun was blazing, I was glad for the wetsuit – the water temperature meant that after a while, even with the wetsuit, it got a bit chilly. An English-speaking snorkelling guide took us through two different spots, pointing out interesting fish and coral. Lunch is included at Chong Beach, with time to relax and swim before heading back in the late afternoon. A full day’s entertainment for around $80 NZ.
We opted for the countryside jeep tour, which included stops at small villages to see traditional crafts and local life. Since our tour was in the afternoon, our first stop was lunch (included). Bumping along in the jeep—feeling like extras on the set of MASH* – we visited a home where traditional sleeping mats are made. We saw how reeds are harvested, dried, dyed, and finally woven – each mat taking two people three hours to complete, not including all the prep work.
We also visited a wood-carving village (I tried carving; I was terrible), and stopped at the home of a man who makes ‘happy water’, AKA rice wine. He lost a leg in the war with Cambodia in his twenties, and later taught himself winemaking with help from the government. His wife has a thriving garden out back, and much of it goes into the wine. They also have a pigsty next to the distillery. Their big mama pig happily feasts on the fermented rice mash – and then her, ahem, output is used to generate gas to heat the still.
Hội An Village Experience
For the second time, I joined Cu’s cooking class. The experience starts with a market tour to learn about (and buy) local ingredients. Then it’s off to Coconut Village for a basket boat ride, spinning optional, though I’d recommend the slow version, and a bit of crab fishing. After that, you’re dropped at a dock near Cu’s home, where you’ll cook up a storm and eat until you can’t move. Cu has built this business from scratch and offers a range of other experiences as well.
With friend #2 joining me for a couple of weeks (that’s the second friend, not a rating system), we decided on another countryside tour—this time by bike. We booked the 5-hour Hội An Makers Tour with Electric Smiles Travel.
It cost the equivalent of $74.50 USD in dong – on the pricier side, but totally worth it. We met our guide and bikes in central Hội An (they did offer to drop them at our accommodation, but that would’ve meant riding through the morning madness). After a quick demo (my friend has an e-bike at home, I do not), we were off. It took a moment to adjust to the creative road rules, but soon we were gliding through country lanes and along narrow paths between rice paddies.
We stopped to see how rice noodles and crackers are made, grabbed an included coffee break, popped into the wood-carving village, and returned to visit my rice wine friend and his legendary pig. Even with e-assist and an early start, by 11 am we were toast. It took hours for the bright red glow to leave my face.
Mỹ Sơn Tour
I booked an early morning tour through Zest with Simply Vietnam Travel, which included a Vietnamese lunch.
After a pre-dawn pickup, we headed straight to Mỹ Sơn, a complex of abandoned Shaiva Hindu temples built between the 4th and 13th centuries by the Kings of Champa. Long forgotten after the Cham people moved on, the site was rediscovered in 1898 by a Frenchman. Many of the temples were severely damaged by American bombing during the Vietnam War (referred to here as the ‘American War’), and the landscape still bears the scars, with crater holes and the occasional sweep for unexploded bombs.
We caught a short Champa cultural performance before heading back toward Hội An for lunch, followed by a boat ride down the river and a transfer home. Mỹ Sơn is definitely worth a visit, our half-day tour cost less than $40 NZ.
Thanh Ha Pottery Village
This one we did on our own, via Grab. Located on the river, the Thanh Ha Pottery Village charges just a couple of dollars to enter, and the streets are lined with pottery shops. Entry includes a hands-on go at pottery (extra if you want it fired and sent home) and a small gift, a clay animal representing your Chinese zodiac sign.
The highlight for us was the Terracotta Park and Museum. For another couple of dollars, you get access to several floors of fascinating exhibits showcasing pottery from different ethnic groups and eras. There’s a great café and a well-curated shop on the ground floor.
Coffee class
Fancy making? We did a coffee making class with Hoi An Handicraft tours https://hoianhandicraft.com/ We learned how to make 5 of Vietnam’s famous coffees, black, white, coconut, salt and egg. A great way to spend a couple of hours, just make sure you don’t drink all the coffees you make or you’ll be up all night, and, keep the electric whisk in the cup when you’re beating the egg, or it will go everywhere, including all over your neighbour. The also run lantern making and pottery classes.
Back to the books… After creating the world of Terrific Tours in my What Goes On Tour series, inspired by my own experience working for a major youth travel company, I realised Shaz Green’s chaotic adventures were just the beginning. There are so many more stories to tell.
I’ve planned a ten-book series of interconnected standalones, each one set in a different Terrific Tours location. Characters from What Goes On Tour will make appearances, but every book will bring new characters and fresh romantic twists.
So far, I’ve completed first drafts of a swoony rock star romance set on the French Riviera, a sizzling mafia romance in sun-soaked Sorrento, and an unexpected love story in a French château that might just steal your heart.
While the series is still on its way, you can dive into the Terrific Tours universe right now with a free novella, available when you join my mailing list at
After an epic three weeks in Vietnam and Australia, our flight from Sydney to Auckland was the final leg of our journey. Given the number of years we have worked in travel and the number of times we have each been to Sydney this leg of our holiday was the least of our worries. Perhaps this is why we switched off and dropped the ball. Even elite sports teams have off days, this was most certainly ours.
But first, let’s rewind a few months. When planning this trip Murray was in charge of booking the flights, I took charge of the cruise, ground transport and accommodation in Vietnam. After everything was booked I prepared a detailed itinerary for each day of our trip and asked Murray to check it. Despite my best efforts for accuracy, I made an error on the detailed itinerary with the flight departure time from Sydney and, due to confirmation bias (self-diagnosed), every time I checked the flight time (which I did more than once) on the flight ticket I found the same incorrect number that I’d put on the itinerary all those months ago.
Back to Sydney. After a lovely evening staying with old friends in Mona Vale and spending a blissful afternoon cruising on Pittwater while sipping VB, followed by a delicious home-cooked meal and catching up with another old friend we transferred to central Sydney for a night in a hotel before our flight home on Saturday afternoon.
With a 1640 flight time on LATAM we decided to have a relaxed morning in the hotel, take a stroll at 10ish to Darling Harbour, have brunch, then get a train to the airport at about 1 pm. Murray ribbed me about ‘being dressed in my plane clothes’ at 9.30 am before he headed to the shower. For some reason (thankfully) he decided to check his copy of the flight printout once he was clean. He advanced and waved it towards me pointing and looking quite stressed. ‘Gilly, the flight leaves at 1135, it ARRIVES at 1640’, he frothed.
Current time 9.55 am. Oops.
All systems go. Luckily I had my flight clothes on already and we were mostly packed. We were in the hotel lobby by 9.57 am, and with no time for a stroll to the train and the ride itself, I started to book an Uber. At this moment the app reminded me that I didn’t have a current payment method as my credit card had expired since I last used Uber. As Murray paced anxiously beside me, with shaking fingers I navigated around the Uber app trying to add a new credit card and set it as the preferred payment option to secure our transport. Luckily I’m a tech whiz and by 10 am we were in an Uber and racing towards the airport.
During the drive, I tried to work out which of the 746 different number/letter combinations on the flight printout was correct to check in online with an unfamiliar airline. During this process, I discovered two things:
1/ The flight departure time was, thanks to daylight savings, in fact now 1235, and
2/ We had 0 pieces of checked luggage allowance for our flight.
A good news/bad news situation if you will.
Sprinting isn’t great after a hip replacement but Murray was up to the task and we raced to the departures board to find out where we needed to go inside the airport. We scanned the board up, and down, up and down.
Nothing, no LATAM flight to Auckland.
Spotting an information desk halfway down the terminal we set off at speed again only to be told we should be checking in exactly where we first entered the airport. While we weren’t the last people to arrive in the check-in line we were closer to the end than I’ve ever been in my life, usually, I’m a check-in early and wander the airport for hours type of traveller. After checking the LATAM website in the Uber and seeing that it would cost 75 USD per piece of checked luggage we planned to play dumb. Given how dumb we’d been all day so far we figured that would work out, and it did.
It was after 11 am when we finally reached the check-in desk and by then the staff member was about as stressed as we were, she clearly wanted to close up and run to the plane. We loaded our bags onto the scale like we fully expected to have no issues and we didn’t, labels were printed and our luggage was sent on its way.
Time to run again, this time through security, duty-free and to the gate, just in time to board LATAM’s Dreamliner.
All is well that ends well but… learn from my mistake and always, always, always check at least 10 times your flight departure time, that you’re not looking at the landing time and, especially if you can’t understand the 24-hour clock, that you have the correct time on lock.
Stress is not what you need on the last day of a wonderful holiday. Thanks, daylight savings, you saved our bacon.
Cruising can be a fine line between awesome and awful and our 4-day cruise on the Carnival Splendor out of Sydney had a bit of both. For us, this cruise was a way for many people who had previously worked for the same travel company between 1995 and 2005 to reconnect, spend quality time reliving our youth and talk up how good we were when we were younger.
We arrived in Sydney early Sunday morning after an overnight flight from Vietnam. Sydney Airport has improved immensely since my last entry into Australia, we were through and out in no time. The public transport connection to Circular Quay is excellent and a train delivered us to within eyeshot of our ship in under 30 minutes. We were grateful to immediately drop our luggage at the ship at 10.30 am allowing us to go for a stroll, have a coffee and rest unhindered. While officially our boarding time was 1.30 pm, by midday we were allowed to board. The boarding process was seamless, and after a brief stop at our muster station to learn how to put on a life jacket we were at the Lido deck buffet having our first taste of ship food. With an hour before we could access our stateroom we headed for the R18 back deck area, secured some prime deck chair real estate and had a snooze in the sun.
1.30 pm was the time that the rooms were available, we were in ours by 1.31 pm freshening up and preparing to sail away. Unfortunately, our luggage hadn’t arrived by the time our 3.30 pm scheduled gathering with our former colleagues ticked around. A liberal spray of deodorant was layered over our flight clothes and off to the Lido deck we went. This is where we had our first shock of ship prices for alcohol, at AUD 25 for a cocktail and AUD 12.50 for a beer we braced ourselves for what our potential bill might be after 4 nights.
One of the downsides of the cruise is that after the initial layout of funds for the holiday is not too painful they try to extract money out of you at every turn. Staff are continually floating around offering to sell you pre-made cocktails in souvenir glasses, drink bottles and drink holders. To read any bar or restaurant menu or to book into any restaurant you need to use the Carnival app. In some respects this is quite handy but… to use it you have to connect to the ship’s wifi, this is free to use the app only but simultaneously it blocks your phone’s ability to roam. You can buy a wifi package or pay $8 to use the chat function to communicate with your fellow cruisers but if you don’t want to buy either you find yourself continually turning the wifi on and off so that you can communicate with the outside world or your friends on board, receive emails etc… and then back on so you don’t miss notifications from the app about upcoming activities you’ve expressed an interest in or that your dining reservation is ready.
It was great to reconnect with old mates, and meet some new people, on the first night and see whales splashing about off starboard after we left Sydney Harbour, but after a cocktail, a can of beer, a glass of wine and some bubbles I peaked early and was tucked up in our room with a little balcony by 8.30 pm. Of course I blamed jet lag.
(The decor of the internal area of the ship was enough to bring on a migraine)
The Carnival website says the ship takes a max of 3,734 passengers, we were told during a quiz that there were 3,850 on board. I’m not sure where the extra 116 people were sleeping but at times it felt like all 3,850 people, many in large groups, identifying each other with their matching garish Hawaiian shirts, were in the same place, at the same time. The buffet was best avoided most of the time, not only because it was packed, but often the only redeeming feature of the food was that it was edible. It was a good place to grab an iced tea, a coffee or to fill up your water bottle. A much more pleasant way to dine to was reserve a table at the restaurant. The frustrating part of the restaurant experience was using the app to reserve a table, it was not straightforward to book a table for a group who weren’t all either on the same booking or connected via the app. The other frustrating thing was that at the time you booked, it gave you an estimated wait time. The wait time could go from 30-40 minutes to less than 10 minutes in a matter of seconds. Once your ‘table is ready’ notification pings to your app you had 10 minutes to get to the restaurant or the booking would be automatically cancelled and you’d have to start again. If you’ve never been on a cruise you may not appreciate how incredibly confusing it is to navigate the 14 levels and to work out which way is forward and which is aft when you’re inside and can’t tell which way the ship is travelling.
We asked for a paper menu each time we dined as having everyone at the table staring at a menu on their phone felt very antisocial, the wait staff were friendly and efficient taking orders for entree, main and dessert all at the same time. Don’t be shy, you can order more than one of each course if you feel the urge and somewhere that didn’t feel hideously expensive was buying wine by the bottle.
(I even found a reader fan on board)
While we participated in a few quizzes and watched karaoke, Deal or No Deal and Bingo, the entertainment that won our hearts was the pianist who played each sea day in the Piano Bar. Young Australian pianist Trevor Stockton (insta @trev.stockton FB https://www.facebook.com/trev.ellonmusic/) said this was his first Carnival Cruise and he had our group of party animals from the 90s in the palm of his hand. Banging out all the old singalong favourites we spent two nights with Trevor in the Piano bar singing ourselves hoarse.
The cruise had a day at sea, a day anchored off Moreton Island, followed by another day at sea. We didn’t book any excursions for Moreton Island’s Tangalooma Resort. I had looked before the cruise at the cost of hiring a paddle board which for an hour was $39, the cost of booking the same on the day the ship was there was more than double. As it turned out it was less than ideal conditions for paddle boarding but watching learners try did provide for entertainment as we took a refreshing dip in the choppy sea.
While there are downsides to cruising we couldn’t fault the staff and it is an easy way to holiday with a group of people. You can do as much, or as little, as you like. Food is available day and night and if you try all the options (you need to eat approximately every 30 minutes on a cruise) you’ll find something you like. There is always company if you want it, but retire to your room and you have as much peace and quiet and uninterrupted sea views as you like. Unlike a land reunion where you try and catch up with a mass of people on what they’ve been up to for the last 30 years in a few hours over the noise of a DJ, on a cruise you have days to sit around over a coffee, a meal, or a few drinks, really reminisce and be reminded why these people will always be well on the awesome side of the line.
Reluctantly I checked out of Zest Resort & Spa after a blissful 3 nights but our next stop, Ho Chi Minh, was calling. To travel the 900-odd km south by train we first had to get a taxi transfer 30km north to Da Nang train station which took just under an hour. With our train being delayed it was almost 4 hours after we left Hoi An that we travelled back past it on the SE1 train. We settled in with our upper bunk mates (an elderly Vietnamese couple) for the 18-hour trip. Once again the romantic ideal of train travel was quickly dashed with the grubbiness of everything on the train. Murray scoped out the dining car but found it uninspiring so pot noodles seemed a safe bet to purchase from the food sellers that trundle up and down the carriages. By 7 pm I was pretty knackered and settled on my bed listening to a crime podcast waiting for sleep to take me. Vietnam Rail had other ideas though, blasting music at volume through the train to announce an upcoming station.
(I draw the line at putting on communal jandals to use the bathroom)
Some essentials for overnight train travel in Vietnam:
Slip-on shoes – for ease of getting in and out of your bed quickly without your feet having to touch the floor
Bottled water for hydration
An eye mask – to keep out the lights that randomly flood the cabins and from any annoying cabin mates who turn on their reading light and leave it on all night (I’m looking at you, Vietnamese lady)
Snacks – you never know what’s going to be on offer or if it’s worth risking eating it
Toilet paper – there was none supplied
Hand sanitiser – soap was hit and miss
Wet wipes – to wipe your cabin table and anything else you might want to touch. Also to freshen up in the morning
Wear a bra with no underwire and clothes that double as pyjamas – comfort is key
Cash – to buy coffee or beer on the train
Book, podcasts or Netflix downloads to pass the time in the middle of the night
There was plenty to look at out the window before it got dark as we trundled through villages and the countryside. It was interesting how randomly graves were plonked along the way. While there were cemeteries as we know them there were often singular graves in the middle of nowhere or in the middle of a field (when you miss Grandma but also really need to grow corn).
At one point a mozzie buzzed past me on the window. My lightning reflexes smashed it flat. I felt immediately concerned that I might have offended any Buddhists around, but my mind was eased when ‘nek minute’ my room was bashing bugs left right and centre.
We rolled into Saigon Station just before 7 am. We paused in the station to look at the Grab app (Vietnam’s version of Uber) to see the cost to get to our hotel, La Vela Saigon. The first two drivers who approached offered to take us for 200,000. When I showed them the app saying the cost would be 39000, they dropped to 150000. The last time we arrived at Saigon station, in 2012, we were scammed by a taxi driver. We didn’t know until Murray’s cousin met the taxi at an inner-city hotel. Once she heard how much the driver wanted to charge us for the short trip Jeanette reared up to her full 5 feet, gave the driver a good telling off and saved us a couple of hundred thousand Dong. The Grab app makes it much easier not to get ripped off. Everywhere else in Vietnam, we’ve used the app to negotiate with taxi drivers and paid usually about 10000 (.80c) over the app price in cash. The Saigon station drivers though weren’t budging so I deployed my angry finger and pressed my phone to summon a Grab car. It arrived within 1 minute and we were safely deposited at our hotel for 38400 Dong just after 7am.
Unfortunately, check-in wasn’t until 3 pm. Fortunately, the receptionist said they would try their best to get us in earlier and to check back at 11 am, they also gave us access to the rooftop pool area. After a quick search of our luggage for our bathing attire we made our way to the top of the building. At $230 NZ per night, this is the most expensive hotel we’ve stayed at in Vietnam but the pool alone makes it worthwhile. The infinity pool stretches along one side of the building with the water’s edge dropping away to reveal a panoramic view of the city. Funnily enough, there weren’t many other takers at 7.30 am so we secured prime real estate, two comfortable sun loungers right on the water’s edge. After a few hours sunning, snoozing and swimming the weather started to change, and threatening clouds gathered overhead. We got changed and checked in with reception, but no luck, check back at 12. We ventured out to hunt for some brunch and tried the traditional noodle house just across the road. Unfortunately, the English translation on the menu wasn’t enough to reassure me that I wasn’t going to poison myself with some kind of shellfish hiding in a dish and, thanks to Google translate, I asked if there were any vegetarian options but was told no. Off to Highlands Coffee, we went. We’ve found these nearly everywhere we’ve been in Vietnam, the Vietnamese version of Starbucks.
After a shopping trip to Saigon Centre and Saigon Square, we indulged in the hotel’s Dim Sum buffet. This involved ordering as many dim sum dishes off the menu as you could eat in two hours. We started with numbers 1, 3, 10, 13, 15, 20, 21, 26, 50 and 55, having not done this before we had no idea if we were being complete gluttons or if that level of ordering for two people was socially acceptable. We soon ploughed through the lot and ordered more. We rolled back to our sumptuous room, which is so automated we can’t work out how to turn anything on, for a blissful sleep.
After probably the best breakfast buffet we’ve seen anywhere we hit the streets for a 20-minute walk to the War Remnants museum. While we did intend on visiting our first plan was to get our new favourite thing to do, a Hop on Hop off Bus, and see the sights of Ho Chi Minh from the upper level. Traffic was hectic and it was nearly two hours later when we disembarked back at the museum and paid our 40000 Dong each to enter.
Well worth a visit but immensely sobering and sombre the museum contains exhibits relating to the First Indochina War and the Vietnam War and was formerly known as the Museum of Chinese and American War Crimes. Some of the photographic displays particularly are extremely graphic and left us both feeling very sad about how cruel humans can be to each other.
We dealt with the heavy feeling the museum left us with in different ways. I shopped my feelings away at the Ben Thanh market and Murray drank beer with 3 random French men he happened across. What I particularly liked about the Ben Thanh market is that around the inner walls, there are stalls that display a sign saying ‘fixed price’. Bartering, and not knowing if you’re being ripped off, can be exhausting so just looking at price tags and arguing with yourself if you should buy something or not was much more what I’m used to. After picking up a few items that I’ll probably regret later I got a quick manicure before finding Murray and getting a grab to La Vela. Even though there was a late afternoon thunderstorm rolling around us and rain falling intermittently we decided a swim was a great option, what we didn’t expect was that the hotel would be trying to start a dance party at 4 pm and there were two DJ’s, a scantily clad man and woman trying to get people dancing and loud doof-doof music.
After a big day, we spent our last night in Vietnam with a room service pizza and an early night. Tomorrow we arrive in Sydney and our travel takes on a different pace. Thanks, Vietnam, you’ve been un-pho-gettable.
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The midday checkout was the perfect time for a relaxing morning then a short taxi ride to the Chan Cafe, an odd place to pick up an intercity bus. A bougie peach iced tea was just the way to keep chilled as we waited for our bus, originally scheduled to leave at 12.45 pm. The company contacted me via Whatsapp the day before to let us know that ‘due to some changes’ the departure time had been changed, at least they told us, many a time have we turned up for transport only to find when we arrived at the departure point that there was a delay. Tick for the bus company. The bus was also booked via https://www.baolau.com/en/
At 1.20 pm our bus arrived, we were ushered aboard, instructed to sit directly behind the driver, and each handed a bottle of icy water. After the handful of other passengers boarded we set off with a driver and what turned out to be, another driver. The driver who was driving fiddled with controls as we left the city and turned on a YouTube playlist of ‘Bamboo Water Fountain Healing’ music, more suitable for a spa but he was maybe trying to put us to sleep. We sat back and initially enjoyed the panoramic view out the front window. Once we were out of the city we started traversing the countryside on mostly one-lane highways. The highways had no passing lanes and only one centre-line colour, yellow. The yellow line was mostly continuous, but occasionally it turned into a broken line, seemingly indicating this was a safer area to overtake. I very quickly decided that a panoramic view of the driver, the vehicles he was overtaking and the oncoming traffic was most definitely what I did NOT want. If I was going to die in a bus crash in Vietnam I didn’t want to see it coming, so I moved a few rows back, stared out the side window at the scenery and worked on settling my nervous system, attempting to sleep or tracking our progress on the map and counting down the minutes until we were due to arrive in Hội An.
The closest we got to a crash was nearly taking out a cow giving zero fucks as it walked down the side of the motorway. The bus pulled into Da Nang with 4 of us being moved into a smaller vehicle with deceptively uncomfortable seats for the rest of the drive. Although I’m glad that is the only bus journey we are making this trip to their credit the bus company ‘owner’ met us in Hội An and after taking charge of my phone momentarily to send himself a Whatsapp message from it he showed us to a taxi he had organised to take us to our accommodation saving us 100,000 dong. The taxi driver multi-tasked, chatting with us via Google Translate during the 15-minute drive to the Zest Resort & Spa in Cam Thanh, convincing me to put my WhatsApp number in his phone so he could service us with his electric taxi. The Zest Resort & Spa is 4.5 km away from the hustle and bustle of Old Town, Hoi An and rates a 9.5 on booking.com (no, I don’t receive commissions from anything I refer.) I opted for a ‘Grand deluxe double room with external bathroom’ for our 3-night stay, which costs approx $125 NZD per night and includes breakfast. You can also get funky options like a floating bungalow or a boat set on one of the property’s lakes. It’s a tropical oasis, and I couldn’t be happier to have a few days here.
After checking in we strolled down the dark country road to the nearest intersection to find some dinner. We stumbled across the Lantern Restaurant (really the only thing open) https://lanternrestaurantandcookingclass.com/ We didn’t challenge Chef Thanh with our order of spring rolls, fried rice and sauteed morning glory.
A cooking class was on my wishlist for Vietnam and this was the place to do it. While the hotel runs their own they have a minimum of 2 people, my other person wasn’t keen. The hotel reception organised an outside class and I was picked up by guide Ha at 8.30 am after I started the day with an outdoor bath (it seemed wrong to book it and not use it as much as possible). I was a little surprised that I was picked up on a moped but Ha explained that while the other 7 people booked were all being picked up in a luxury airconditioned van, they were staying in hotels in central Hoi An. She would ferry me to the market where we would meet them. She gallantly gave me the one helmet and I climbed aboard a motorbike for what must be the first time since the 80s when I owned a red Honda 50 called ‘The Skeedle’.
Travelling on two wheels was a lot less scary than it looked. Traffic moves slowly, Ha explained, as the roads are narrow. Waiting for the group to join us in the markets I got to ask my host, and her trainee, a few questions. My most pressing was why they wear long sleeves and long-legged pants all the time when it’s so hot and humid. Ha explained that it is because sunblock is expensive. She can buy a long-sleeved shirt for a few dollars that will last for a year, the same investment in sunblock lasts a week.
After the two young German couples, a young Irish couple and a mad Korean woman who live-streamed every second of our excursion joined us we were led around the market and shown various fruits, vegetables and herbs, most of which I’d not come across before, and had their name and use explained.
After the market, with supplies in hand, we all boarded the minibus for Coconut Village. Here we were served with the first of many small bottles of icy cold water to combat the heat of the day, although, by the colour of my face, you can see it didn’t work. I was paired up with my new crazy Korean friend and we were ushered into a basketboat.
These look nothing like actual boats. The story goes that when the French levied taxes on boats in Vietnam fishermen couldn’t afford to pay them, so they designed circular woven baskets that also happened to float and be able to move with an oar. Today though they seemed primarily be used to try and make the tourists feed the fish by spinning them around quickly as ‘Gangnam Style’ blasted loudly. My Korean friend was not impressed. After the karaoke/dance party finished we were paddled downstream to a small jetty where we fished for crabs. A piece of bait was tied on the end of a thin line attached to the end of a piece of bamboo and dangled on the rocky foreshore. Once a crab knabbed the line with its pincer it had to be carefully lifted into a waiting bucket. The biggest crab was caught by my basket captain who stuck her hand down a jetty pole coming back with a big crab who tried to eat her. I’m guessing she got her revenge later.
After a bit more paddling we disembarked at a bamboo jetty by Mr Cu’s house. Here Ha and her assistant guided us through making rice milk, using a traditional mill to turn rice into a liquid we then used to make traditional pancakes, which we cooked on small gas burners. We all sliced, diced and grated ingredients to marinate chicken pieces for a stir fry, cats ear mushrooms, taro, spring onions and more to make a spring roll mixture, and then papaya, onion, banana flower and other fresh ingredients for a salad. After cooking, and eating, all our delicacies we were rolled out of the minivan and into our accommodation. https://hoianvillageexperience.com/
There’s no rest for the wicked, I’d no sooner got in the door than we were off on the hotel’s free shuttle service into Hoi An. We managed to wander around fending off vendors for about an hour before the oppressive heat flopped into chairs in front of a fan in a bar and enjoyed a beer with a friend from home who we arranged to catch up with about an hour before we did.
Hanoi is famous for its tailors and is the place to come if you want to get a suit or a frock made. While this wasn’t for us this time I’m not ruling out coming back to do it. There are also some excellent day trips from Hoi An to places like My Son which has temples comparable to Ankor Wat and the Ba Na Hills with its cable car taking you high into the cooler air but for me, day 2 in Ha Noi was declared a rest day. While Murray took the hotels courtesy bus to the local beach, I alternated between swimming, lounging, reading, watching the fish in the lake our room faces, painting, writing and napping. Before Murray left we enjoyed together a 20-minute foot massage that the hotel manager had gifted us with her compliments. While I’d put a poll on Instagram stating it was leg day and asking my followers if I’d be doing this in the gym or the spa, disappointingly or not surprisingly no one voted for the gym.
Waiting until the heat was out of the day, and the temperature had dropped to 30 degrees, we caught the courtesy shuttle into Ha Noi at 6pm, this turned out to be a brilliant decision. With less heat we felt the urge to walk further and with nightfall the city comes to life, illuminated by lanterns. Brought to Hoi An by Chinese and Japanese merchants when they came to trade and settle in the late 14th century, they are one of Hoi An’s most famous symbols having been crafted her for over 400 years. While the locals originally lit the lanterns to wish for good fortune, wealth, joy, health, and fair weather, now it’s also a chance to make a buck from tourists by selling them a trip in one of the big motorised lantern boats, smaller human powered lantern boats or buy selling them a cardboard box with a candle they can lay on the river. Don’t waste your money on the latter, the candle will burn for a few minutes before being taken out by a boat to forever litter the river.
We found a riverside restaurant where Murray satisfied his craving for sweet and sour pork and I tried cao lầu, a traditional noodle dish from the area. The thick rice noodles sit in a small amount of broth and are topped with, in my case, sliced pork, lettuce and herbs. The waiter helpfully told me what to do which was to mix the ingredients together and pour over the small bowl of soy sauce. The two dinners and two drinks with prime riverside location cost $15 NZD. Wandering further along the river the sights and the energy kept getting better. Crossing over to the island we got a great view of the non motorised lantern boats before plunging into a vibrant night market. Live music played from many of the busy eateries with locals and tourists alike enjoying the cooler night air, a lightening display added to the excitement.
(If you do get tailored clothing, don’t get matching outfits – a crime against fashion)
While we thought the 9 pm transfer home might not give us enough time we were ready to head back to our air-conditioned sanctuary for our final sleep in our little piece of Hoi An heaven.
Tomorrow, an 18 hour train trip lies ahead.
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We were greeted with a much-welcome chilled ginger juice when we arrived at the Melia Vinpearl Hotel, Hue, after our overnight train. With a few hours to kill before our 2 pm check-in time, we wandered off in the 32-degree heat to find the Đông Ba Market. On the way we checked out the dragon boats to see if a trip on the Perfume River might be of interest. The river’s name is a mystery given its aroma, it’s also allegedly the cleanest river in Vietnam which doesn’t leave much hope for others. The boat ticket hawkers tried to convince us to act immediately and go on a cruise today as ‘it is going to rain tomorrow’. My weather app predicted 33 degrees and sunny for tomorrow so we weren’t compelled to rush. ‘But my phone says rain’, one persistent seller pressed as she followed us riverside until we ducked into a cafe to try another of Vietnam’s special coffees, this time Cà Phê Muối or salt coffee. Widely believed to have been created here in Hue in 2010 the original cafe owners said, ‘This combination of condensed milk, salt and black coffee creates a creamy mixture that softens the bitterness of the coffee and balances the sweetness of the condensed milk.’ I don’t know if that’s the case but I like it very much!
After dodging the remaining ticket hawkers and peddelo drivers we crossed the Perfume River to its north bank and explored Đông Ba Market. While the market is mostly undercover giving it shade, it was still stinking hot as we meandered our way down the crowded narrow aisles fending off offers to stop and look at t-shirts, shoes, toys, fruit, fish, and many interesting-looking sauces. While it was an interesting place to visit it’s very much a shopping spot for locals with not much of interest for these hot tourists.
Just before 1pm, I received a WhatsApp message from the hotel that our room was ready. Given that check-out time is midday this was great work and much appreciated. We ambled slowly, it was hard to do anything but when the temperature is over 30 degrees, to reception to collect our keys. The first word out of our mouths when we entered our room was ‘wow’. We were located on the 27th floor with a room-length floor-to-ceiling window which gave a great view of the surrounding area. The bathroom featured a shower and a nearly full-sized bath next to a large window, while sitting in the bath (or on the loo for that matter) you got a great vista. The vista wasn’t so good for the person in the room looking back into the bathroom so we did use the privacy blind most of the time. There is plenty of space around the bed for a table to read at, a desk, and a TV on a cabinet while opposite the bathroom is a fridge, luggage storage shelf and a spacious wardrobe with a safe. 5 stars for 3,650,210 Dong for two nights, or $120NZD per night including breakfast. After ‘wowing’ at the view I spent a few minutes convincing myself that the hotel wouldn’t fall down trying to calm my fear of heights.
After not getting a lot of sleep on the train an afternoon of chill was required so we headed straight to the pool. Murray applied sunblock anticipating settling in for the afternoon but we soon discovered this was unnecessary, the pool is indoors. While it is lined with windows on one side, many of which were open providing a cooling breeze and it was certainly refreshing, it wasn’t the sort of place you felt like spending hours.
After a nap Murray felt like relaxing in the bath and enjoying the view and I opted for a view without Murray in the bath. An Aperol spritz in the Zenith bar on the 34th floor was just the thing to enjoy watching the sun droop, turning the sky as orange as my cocktail. After Murray joined me for a beer we decided to go to the restaurant one level below. I opted for the set menu Western option, which consisted of a crusty bread roll with tomato butter, salmon wrapped around a ball of cream cheese, steak with vegetables and a not-too-sweet fruit tart. The menu also included a glass of wine, all for about $35NZD.
The hotel breakfast buffet was amazing, my only problem with it was there wasn’t enough room in my stomach to try everything. They even had a low table as a ‘kids station’ where children could help themselves to things like fruit skewers and tiny pancakes. There was a dedicated pho station, which I couldn’t go past as well as an array of foods from all over the world.
Saturday was planned around having to be somewhere to watch the All Blacks play Australia, but it wasn’t until 2pm local time, so we had the entire morning to sightsee. We opted again for the double-decker City Sightseeing bus and the four-hour ticket. We were very confused when the hostess explained that we had to choose two stops as we’d expected to have the same flexibility as in Hanoi but it soon became obvious. With buses running only every hour by the time you had two hours at stops and allowing time for the journey that was pretty much your four hours up. We opted for the Huong Village (Incense Village) and Tomb of Khải Định. Each stop consisted of about 10 minutes of walking, 45 minutes of drinking our body weight in iced tea and 5 minutes waiting for the bus.
Why incense? Incense plays an important role in the Vietnamese spiritual life. It is used in temples, pagodas, shrines and other worshipping places. Every Vietnamese family has an altar, where they worship their ancestors, this is more common here than paying homage to any of the thousands of gods worshipped worldwide. Burning incense is an integral part of this process as incense is believed to be a bridge connecting the worlds of the alive and the spirits. Khải Định, was the twelfth Emperor of the Nguyễn dynasty of Vietnam. Born on the 8th of October 1885 and dying on the 6th of November 1925 he has been described as, ‘effectively a puppet political figurehead for the French colonial rulers.’ Nice mausoleum though.
As any good tour manager knows you need to have a lot of ‘fillers’ on a city tour, bits of information you can talk about or stories you can tell to fill in gaps between sights. The audio coming through our earplugs had no fillers. Information was given about sights (we usually weren’t sure where they were) and in between there was what Murray called ‘funeral music’, music that might be played at a funeral while you wait for proceedings to begin. Maybe it’s fitting as the risk of death was deemed reasonably high again by either tree to the head or contact with a power line, the closest of which saw me yell ‘DUCK’ to Murray. He didn’t hear me thanks to the funeral music, luckily it missed his head, but only by millimetres. For one of the journeys between sights, the host very helpfully stood in the stairwell just in front of me and pointed out any trees heading our way. The staff probably hate tourists like us. All of the other tourists today chose to sit inside in the airconditioned lower level. But not us. With me deeming the risk of sunburn to be low and our love of the wind in our faces it was upstairs every time meaning the poor host had to be sweating outside making sure we didn’t kill ourselves. Note to self: the sunburn risk is not low in Hue.
(Traditional hats are provided for use while on the bus and sightseeing).
We were settled into the DMZ bar in plenty of time, the place was packed with the lunch crowd and many Australians who were there to watch an AFL game. It took a while after the rugby kick-off for the staff to get the game onto the TV but when they did we enjoyed it with a cold beer and some food. You know what they say, ‘happy husband, happy…’ Doesn’t rhyme with anything so it can’t be too important.
Although Hue hasn’t blown us away like Tam Coc did it’s been worth a visit. Next stop, Hoi An.
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I simply can’t get enough of Tam Coc! Despite having to check out of our accommodation at 11 am and having 12 hours to kill before our overnight train departing from Ninh Binh at 11.10 pm Mr Phuc let us store our luggage (this was unsecured in the hallway but it seemed safe enough) so that we could soak up more of Tam Coc, after breakfast and a post-breakfast chill out to make the most of the 11 am check out. Then we hit Tam Coc again, this time in the form of an electric golf cart hop-on-hop-off tour. Our 100,000 ticket covered three sights, although I’d already seen one on foot and the other during my iron-middle-aged-woman cycle leg the day before I was keen to enjoy the countryside again, this time without the sore behind.
The final stop of the three was at Bich Dong. The water had receded a lot since yesterday and there was way less chaos so we decided to head towards the temple. There was a sign indicating that you should cover up and be, ‘very demure, very mindful’, but honestly it was just too fecking hot so we walked up a few steps for the view but didn’t make it to the most sacred bits.
Sightseeing complete we returned to our former hotel to make the most of the pool facilities to cool off and nap. I made the most of the local massage services. I thought the first time I had a massage and this happened it was a one-off but the same thing happened at a different place so it must be how things roll here, or maybe just because it’s heading into winter and it’s a quieter time for tourists. The way things seem to work is that you agree to what services you want with the woman fronting the shop, in this case I asked for a 30-minute foot and leg massage and a 30-minute neck and shoulder massage as I couldn’t be bothered doing the whole get undressed and lie on a table palava. The woman set me up on a comfy chair, provided me with water and a lolly and plonked my feet in a tub of water. Side note, you never walk into a Thai massage provider with your street shoes on, they get swapped at the door for some inside slip-on plastic shoes that they provide (try not to think about athlete’s foot). Then she makes a phone call to the actual massage therapist who within 10-15 minutes arrives on a moped. You obviously aren’t using your massage time for their commute but you should allow more time than you would expect for an hour of services. My plan to not have to get undressed went quickly out the window, as soon as the therapist did arrive I was herded up a small staircase, ordered to undress, slip on a sleeveless dress and lay flat on a massage table. I shouldn’t complain though, the massage was lovely and another $20 well spent. The only downside was they hadn’t stumped up for Spotify premier so every 10 minutes or so the lovely, relaxing ding-ping-dong-bong-nong-plop-drip music was replaced with someone shouting advertising in Vietnamese.
We then showered in the hotel pool facilities and ate dinner at a local restaurant. I ordered a beer to accompany the meal and Murray ordered a big bottle of water. When the drinks were placed in front of us both had their tops partially removed. No unexpected for a bottle of beer but Murray’s suspicion was raised and feared that the bottle could have been previously used and refilled with tap water. I didn’t totally share his concern, I had beer after all, but he was worried enough to ask for it to be swapped for a coke. Two lessons here kids; 1, don’t drink tap water in Vietnam and be cautious about bottled water that is unsealed, and 2, beer is the safer option, especially when they cost the same amount of money (.80c NZ).
One word to sum up Tam Coc, In-phuc-ingcredible. Sadly though it was time to leave and after negotiating a 100,000 fair with a taxi driver to Ga Ninh Binh (station) we collected our luggage and headed into the larger town. We were 3 hours too early for our 23.10 train from Ninh Binh to Hue but figured we had to be sitting around somewhere at a time past our normal trip bedtime so let’s have a change of scenery.
(Mr Phuc – hard at work – or he could be playing video games. Either way, a wonderful host)
As soon as we entered the main train station hall a wave of children rushed towards us. Having experienced child thieves in other parts of the world I was immediately on guard wondering what they wanted but this experience turned out to be one of the best things so far. The children are brought to the station by their mothers who leave their kids to it but always keep them under their watchful eye to keep them safe. These kids, who all seemed to be aged between about 8 and 12, emanated enthusiasm and a thirst for knowledge, they weren’t there to slide their tiny child fingers into our money belts, they wanted to pick our brains, not our pockets, and use us to enhance the English they study at school.
I was targeted by 10-year-old Phoung. She peppered me with questions like, my age, where I’m from, what I like to do in my free time, what are my hobbies, and what is my favourite music, all of which were great conversation starters. I learned that Phoung likes swimming and badminton, and she lives with her family, her two sisters and her parents. Her dad is an engineer (although she didn’t know what sort), her favourite music is American rap and she wants to be a teacher or a doctor. Meanwhile, Phoungs 12-year-old sister Lin had targeted Murray and he was showing her videos of the All Blacks on his phone. All in all a wonderful cultural exchange. If you’re ever leaving from Ninh Binh station make sure you allow enough time to chat to the kids and if you see Phoung, tell her I say hi.
(Me and Phoung. Murray and Lin)
After chatting for an hour we headed to a side waiting room with more comfortable chairs and a hostess who checks your tickets and will tell you when your train arrives. When booking this trip I conjured up the romantic imagery surrounding train journeys, the clickety-clack of steel on steel as you cruise through the countryside. The ability to get up and wander around, easy access to a bathroom and a dining car. Very quickly this notion was dashed when we boarded the SE1. Part of the Reunification Express which the government website describes as, ‘a series of trains and a route connecting Hanoi to Ho Chi Minh City. It crosses more than a thousand bridges, dozens of tunnels, and more than 150 train stations, all repaired after the reunification of the northern and southern regions of Vietnam. The line was established during French colonial rule, and was completed over forty years, from 1899 to 1936 connecting the capitol Hanoi with Ho Chi Minh in the south and covering 1726km. Despite being heavily damaged in WWII and suffering from a lack of investment in its infrastructure, this year the Lonely Planet named the Reunification Express “one of Southeast Asia’s best-loved railways – and one of the most epic overnight train journeys in the world”. I wasn’t sharing their love as we boarded grubby carriage #7 and tried to not wake up our, already sleeping, roommates as we fumbled around in the dark trying to sort our luggage and settle down for the night on the rock-hard beds.
The train booking website is very easy to use Baolau.com and you can select your seats. I selected lower beds for both Murray and myself. In our younger days climbing up and down on the single fold-down step provided on either side of the door would have been okay, but not any longer. Being on the lower bunk means the bed is easy to get into, and get out of multiple times during the night when the swaying movement of the train convinces your middle-aged bladder it’s full and your brain says it must be emptied NOW and you sway down the corridor to the grubby toilet. The toilet is a western style one which is both good and bad. It’s what we are used to so we know what to do with it and bad as it seems a lot of the locals still don’t. Toilet paper was hit and miss (I always carry tissues) but the bum washer hose is always present. It seems some locals use it to clean the entire toilet after every use so often everything is sodden. This is where a squat toilet would actually feel more beneficial, you don’t have to touch anything.
I had my travel pillow, an eye mask and ear pods, all of which proved crucial to getting some sleep. The travel pillow was added to the pillow provided, for a bit more comfort, the eye mask blocked out the light that floods in each time the train stops along the way and through the ear pods I could listen to crime podcasts to help me get to sleep and give me ideas of what to do to our upper bunk buddies who started to annoy me at 5.45 am, this was the time the phone alarm of the young woman above me went off. She must be getting off soon, I thought to myself as I tried to get back to sleep. Both the upper bunk buddies then started taking and making calls and watching videos on their phones WITH NO EARPHONES.
7.04 am – still watching videos
7.11 am – I’ve long given up trying to get back to sleep and the host comes to tell them their stop is next.
An alarm set for 1.5 hours before their stop and they didn’t get off their bed until the moment the train pulled into their stations. To their credit, they seemed to not be bothered by my multiple nighttime excursions so maybe fairs fair.
Our train arrived a little after its expected 9.59 am arrival time. It’s time to hit Hue!
The two-and-a-quarter-hour train ride from Hanoi to Ninh Binh hadn’t even left the station and I was ready to lose my shit. It was 3.30pm and it had already been a long day, mainly due to some fairly poor management on our part.
We left the comfort and coolness of our host’s home at 10 am in a taxi his ‘Mr Trang’ had organised for the hour-long trip to Ga Ha Noi (Hanoi Train station). We thought we’d store our luggage then go off separately and explore for a few hours. After we avoided the ‘Hanoi Train Station luggage scam’, where employees try to get you to store your luggage in the VIP room for inflated prices and no security we located the actual luggage lockers inside the main station, fed the machine with 50,000 dong and deposited our suitcases. I had planned to also put in my day backpack which held my laptop, however with the signs warning you not to store valuables, and specifically mentioned laptops, I opted to keep the pack with me.
This is where the day’s plan began to fall down. With the sun shining for the first time since our arrival I underestimated how hot it would be, how hungover I was and how lazy I am. The combo of these things saw us wander across the road to get an iced coffee and then I walked for about 20 minutes up and down the road opposite the train station. I sat down for a bánh mì and then had a lie down on a row of seats inside the relative cool of the train station for a couple of hours.
It’s always a little nerve-wracking when you buy travel tickets for foreign lands online but Baolau.com came through with their promise and the tickets I’d purchased, and printed off at home were met with the approval of the train gatekeeper and we were allowed in to coach 2, seats 31 and 32. Murray quickly found that his seat was broken and wouldn’t stay upright. He hedged his bets by standing and hovering near empty seats waiting to pounce the moment the train was departing and it became obvious there would be no one needing them. I meanwhile stayed in my assigned seat facing a man with his filthy feet on the table between our rows, across the aisle another pair of filthy soles on a table was in my eye line and behind me a young child whose parents thought it was a great idea to give her a party blower for the journey. I thought showing your feet was the height of disrespect in Vietnam and having a party horn on public transport should be universally banned. The air conditioning which had been chilling the coach nicely when we boarded had also been turned off and with 5 minutes to go until we pulled out I was losing my rag. Calming breaths, cool air returning and the excitement of the journey getting underway lifted my mood as we rolled down Train Street sending shopkeepers and tourists scuttling out of our way. This alone made the $7.50 train trip worthwhile.
The moral of the story, don’t put food on a Vietnamese train table.
At the first stop, an elderly man got on carrying an extraordinary amount of luggage in a duffle bag, box and a huge sack. Seeing him struggle to find homes for his belongings in the packed overhead luggage racks I offered him up our two seats and I moved to sit next to Murray (and away from the child still enthusiastically blowing her party horn). The ticket-man was having none of it and ordered the man back to his original seat before setting his sights on us. He pointed at us, then at our assigned seats. Murray tried to indicate with his hand that the seat was broken. Ticket-man deepened his frown and again pointed at us and then our seats. We started explaining that the seat was broken and that I was ready to murder a child. Thankfully at this point he gave up, gifted us with a death stare as he hurried up the aisle to harass someone else. There was something interesting to look at through the grubby train windows the entire journey and if the view wasn’t exciting enough train seat roulette kept the journey exciting. At both of the stops train SE5 made between Hanoi and Ninh Binh people got off to be replaced by new people whose seats we could be sitting in.
Right on time at 5.43 pm we stopped at Ninh Binh station and disembarked. I’d read that a taxi to Tam Cốc would be between 50,000 and 100,000 Dong, when a taxi man offered to take us for 100,000 and we went through the charade of looking at the Grab app (Vietnam’s version of Uber) to check he wasn’t ripping us off, we agreed and jumped in for the 12-minute drive. We were greeted at the Tam Cốc Holiday Hotel & Villa by Mr Phuc who immediately insisted we sit in enormous cream armchairs while he fetched us each a chilled towel, glass of raro and selection of snacks while he completed our check-in. It’s always a bit of a lottery when you book accommodation online in a village you’ve never been to but with a 9.5 rating on Booking.com from over 2500 reviews I was feeling confident before I draped the icy towel around my sweaty neck.
As soon as we were settled into our ‘mountain view’ room we ambled down the main street to find food. In the dark, the street, festooned with lights and featuring restaurants, travel agents and places to get massages could have been anywhere in Asia. When we woke up this morning and looked out of our room window we began to see the magic with our first glimpse of the limestone karsts, dramatic rock formations created by the erosion of limestone. The erosion leaves steep cliffs, caves, and unique shapes which shall, from now on, be known as the Tam Cốc rocks.
The $70 (ish NZD) per night room includes breakfast with both a buffet and, order off a menu elements. Fuelled we set off on foot and turned right out of the hotel. Within minutes we were in a postcard countryside landscape where the narrow road was mostly empty. We strolled 1km to the Thai Vy temple and back stopping along the way to soak up the serenity.
Murray opted to rest while I explored the other side of town that we didn’t get to last night and sampled a local foot massage. Then it was my turn for a nap, a swim and then with lunch, we tried our first egg coffee. Egg coffee is a Vietnamese nationally acclaimed speciality made of egg yolks, sugar, and condensed milk (which are whipped together to form a sweet layer on top of a shot of coffee. It’s maybe not something I’d have every day but it was very tasty. Deciding I wanted to get out into the countryside again I hired a bike from the hotel – 40,000 dong ($2.70) for 5 hours and set off.
Riding a bike through the countryside was exactly what I hoped to experience in my time here. As soon as I was out of the village traffic was sparse and everyone coming up behind you toots so you know they are there. The road runs between flooded fields and lotus ponds on each side with the still water, more than usual due to the recent typhoon, mirrors the eerie towering mountains dotted around. I can see why the area is known as ‘Halong Bay on land’. During my first 3km cycling the flat countryside, I inadvertently got caught up herding goats and then cattle as I made my way to Bích Động, a temple complex built in 1428.
Another 3km on the bike and my backside was beginning to feel the effects as I reached the Bird Park access ticket booth. I had thought I would ride right into Bird Valley but after seeing both a ticket booth and the hill climb beyond it, I changed my plans, turned around and cycled the 6km back to the hotel switching between riding seated and standing to help my rear end.
After safely returning my steed to its parking spot I enjoyed painting the view from our room window. Now the sun is sagging in the sky it’s time to find a happy hour, this place really does rock.
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