Heavenly Hội An

The midday checkout was the perfect time for a relaxing morning then a short taxi ride to the Chan Cafe, an odd place to pick up an intercity bus. A bougie peach iced tea was just the way to keep chilled as we waited for our bus, originally scheduled to leave at 12.45 pm. The company contacted me via Whatsapp the day before to let us know that ‘due to some changes’ the departure time had been changed, at least they told us, many a time have we turned up for transport only to find when we arrived at the departure point that there was a delay. Tick for the bus company. The bus was also booked via https://www.baolau.com/en/

At 1.20 pm our bus arrived, we were ushered aboard, instructed to sit directly behind the driver, and each handed a bottle of icy water. After the handful of other passengers boarded we set off with a driver and what turned out to be, another driver. The driver who was driving fiddled with controls as we left the city and turned on a YouTube playlist of ‘Bamboo Water Fountain Healing’ music, more suitable for a spa but he was maybe trying to put us to sleep. We sat back and initially enjoyed the panoramic view out the front window. Once we were out of the city we started traversing the countryside on mostly one-lane highways. The highways had no passing lanes and only one centre-line colour, yellow. The yellow line was mostly continuous, but occasionally it turned into a broken line, seemingly indicating this was a safer area to overtake. I very quickly decided that a panoramic view of the driver, the vehicles he was overtaking and the oncoming traffic was most definitely what I did NOT want. If I was going to die in a bus crash in Vietnam I didn’t want to see it coming, so I moved a few rows back, stared out the side window at the scenery and worked on settling my nervous system, attempting to sleep or tracking our progress on the map and counting down the minutes until we were due to arrive in Hội An.

The closest we got to a crash was nearly taking out a cow giving zero fucks as it walked down the side of the motorway. The bus pulled into Da Nang with 4 of us being moved into a smaller vehicle with deceptively uncomfortable seats for the rest of the drive. Although I’m glad that is the only bus journey we are making this trip to their credit the bus company ‘owner’ met us in Hội An and after taking charge of my phone momentarily to send himself a Whatsapp message from it he showed us to a taxi he had organised to take us to our accommodation saving us 100,000 dong. The taxi driver multi-tasked, chatting with us via Google Translate during the 15-minute drive to the Zest Resort & Spa in Cam Thanh, convincing me to put my WhatsApp number in his phone so he could service us with his electric taxi. The Zest Resort & Spa is 4.5 km away from the hustle and bustle of Old Town, Hoi An and rates a 9.5 on booking.com (no, I don’t receive commissions from anything I refer.) I opted for a ‘Grand deluxe double room with external bathroom’ for our 3-night stay, which costs approx $125 NZD per night and includes breakfast. You can also get funky options like a floating bungalow or a boat set on one of the property’s lakes. It’s a tropical oasis, and I couldn’t be happier to have a few days here.

After checking in we strolled down the dark country road to the nearest intersection to find some dinner. We stumbled across the Lantern Restaurant (really the only thing open) https://lanternrestaurantandcookingclass.com/ We didn’t challenge Chef Thanh with our order of spring rolls, fried rice and sauteed morning glory.

A cooking class was on my wishlist for Vietnam and this was the place to do it. While the hotel runs their own they have a minimum of 2 people, my other person wasn’t keen. The hotel reception organised an outside class and I was picked up by guide Ha at 8.30 am after I started the day with an outdoor bath (it seemed wrong to book it and not use it as much as possible). I was a little surprised that I was picked up on a moped but Ha explained that while the other 7 people booked were all being picked up in a luxury airconditioned van, they were staying in hotels in central Hoi An. She would ferry me to the market where we would meet them. She gallantly gave me the one helmet and I climbed aboard a motorbike for what must be the first time since the 80s when I owned a red Honda 50 called ‘The Skeedle’.

Travelling on two wheels was a lot less scary than it looked. Traffic moves slowly, Ha explained, as the roads are narrow. Waiting for the group to join us in the markets I got to ask my host, and her trainee, a few questions. My most pressing was why they wear long sleeves and long-legged pants all the time when it’s so hot and humid. Ha explained that it is because sunblock is expensive. She can buy a long-sleeved shirt for a few dollars that will last for a year, the same investment in sunblock lasts a week.

After the two young German couples, a young Irish couple and a mad Korean woman who live-streamed every second of our excursion joined us we were led around the market and shown various fruits, vegetables and herbs, most of which I’d not come across before, and had their name and use explained.

After the market, with supplies in hand, we all boarded the minibus for Coconut Village. Here we were served with the first of many small bottles of icy cold water to combat the heat of the day, although, by the colour of my face, you can see it didn’t work. I was paired up with my new crazy Korean friend and we were ushered into a basketboat.

These look nothing like actual boats. The story goes that when the French levied taxes on boats in Vietnam fishermen couldn’t afford to pay them, so they designed circular woven baskets that also happened to float and be able to move with an oar. Today though they seemed primarily be used to try and make the tourists feed the fish by spinning them around quickly as ‘Gangnam Style’ blasted loudly. My Korean friend was not impressed. After the karaoke/dance party finished we were paddled downstream to a small jetty where we fished for crabs. A piece of bait was tied on the end of a thin line attached to the end of a piece of bamboo and dangled on the rocky foreshore. Once a crab knabbed the line with its pincer it had to be carefully lifted into a waiting bucket. The biggest crab was caught by my basket captain who stuck her hand down a jetty pole coming back with a big crab who tried to eat her. I’m guessing she got her revenge later. 

After a bit more paddling we disembarked at a bamboo jetty by Mr Cu’s house. Here Ha and her assistant guided us through making rice milk, using a traditional mill to turn rice into a liquid we then used to make traditional pancakes, which we cooked on small gas burners. We all sliced, diced and grated ingredients to marinate chicken pieces for a stir fry, cats ear mushrooms, taro, spring onions and more to make a spring roll mixture, and then papaya, onion, banana flower and other fresh ingredients for a salad. After cooking, and eating, all our delicacies we were rolled out of the minivan and into our accommodation. https://hoianvillageexperience.com/

There’s no rest for the wicked, I’d no sooner got in the door than we were off on the hotel’s free shuttle service into Hoi An. We managed to wander around fending off vendors for about an hour before the oppressive heat flopped into chairs in front of a fan in a bar and enjoyed a beer with a friend from home who we arranged to catch up with about an hour before we did. 

Hanoi is famous for its tailors and is the place to come if you want to get a suit or a frock made. While this wasn’t for us this time I’m not ruling out coming back to do it. There are also some excellent day trips from Hoi An to places like My Son which has temples comparable to Ankor Wat and the Ba Na Hills with its cable car taking you high into the cooler air but for me, day 2 in Ha Noi was declared a rest day. While Murray took the hotels courtesy bus to the local beach, I alternated between swimming, lounging, reading, watching the fish in the lake our room faces, painting, writing and napping. Before Murray left we enjoyed together a 20-minute foot massage that the hotel manager had gifted us with her compliments. While I’d put a poll on Instagram stating it was leg day and asking my followers if I’d be doing this in the gym or the spa, disappointingly or not surprisingly no one voted for the gym.

Waiting until the heat was out of the day, and the temperature had dropped to 30 degrees, we caught the courtesy shuttle into Ha Noi at 6pm, this turned out to be a brilliant decision. With less heat we felt the urge to walk further and with nightfall the city comes to life, illuminated by lanterns. Brought to Hoi An by Chinese and Japanese merchants when they came to trade and settle in the late 14th century, they are one of Hoi An’s most famous symbols having been crafted her for over 400 years. While the locals originally lit the lanterns to wish for good fortune, wealth, joy, health, and fair weather, now it’s also a chance to make a buck from tourists by selling them a trip in one of the big motorised lantern boats, smaller human powered lantern boats or buy selling them a cardboard box with a candle they can lay on the river. Don’t waste your money on the latter, the candle will burn for a few minutes before being taken out by a boat to forever litter the river.

We found a riverside restaurant where Murray satisfied his craving for sweet and sour pork and I tried cao lầu, a traditional noodle dish from the area. The thick rice noodles sit in a small amount of broth and are topped with, in my case, sliced pork, lettuce and herbs. The waiter helpfully told me what to do which was to mix the ingredients together and pour over the small bowl of soy sauce. The two dinners and two drinks with prime riverside location cost $15 NZD. Wandering further along the river the sights and the energy kept getting better. Crossing over to the island we got a great view of the non motorised lantern boats before plunging into a vibrant night market. Live music played from many of the busy eateries with locals and tourists alike enjoying the cooler night air, a lightening display added to the excitement.

(If you do get tailored clothing, don’t get matching outfits – a crime against fashion)

While we thought the 9 pm transfer home might not give us enough time we were ready to head back to our air-conditioned sanctuary for our final sleep in our little piece of Hoi An heaven.

Tomorrow, an 18 hour train trip lies ahead.

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